The late Hugh Price Hughes,
an eminent Methodist divine, once organized in London a conference
of respectable men to consider the subject. Nothing came of it (nor
indeed could have come of it in the absence of women); but it had
its value as giving the young sociologists present, of whom I was
one, an authentic notion of what a picked audience of respectable
men understood by married life. It was certainly a staggering
revelation. Peter the Great would have been shocked; Byron would
have been horrified; Don Juan would have fled from the conference
into a monastery. The respectable men all regarded the marriage
ceremony as a rite which absolved them from the laws of health and
temperance; inaugurated a life-long honeymoon; and placed their
pleasures on exactly the same footing as their prayers. It seemed
entirely proper and natural to them that out of every twenty-four
hours of their lives they should pass eight shut up in one room
with their wives alone, and this, not birdlike, for the mating
season, but all the year round and every year. How they settled
even such minor questions as to which party should decide whether
and how much the window should be open and how many blankets should
be on the bed, and at what hour they should go to bed and get up so
as to avoid disturbing one another's sleep, seemed insoluble
questions to me. But the members of the conference did not seem to
mind. They were content to have the whole national housing problem
treated on a basis of one room for two people. That was the essence
of marriage for them.
Please remember, too, that there was nothing in their
circumstances to check intemperance. They were men of business:
that is, men for the most part engaged in routine work which
exercized neither their minds nor their bodies to the full pitch of
their capacities. Compared with statesmen, first-rate professional
men, artists, and even with laborers and artisans as far as
muscular exertion goes, they were underworked, and could spare the
fine edge of their faculties and the last few inches of their
chests without being any the less fit for their daily routine. If I
had adopted their habits, a startling deterioration would have
appeared in my writing before the end of a fortnight, and
frightened me back to what they would have considered an impossible
asceticism. But they paid no penalty of which they were conscious.
They had as much health as they wanted: that is, they did not feel
the need of a doctor. They enjoyed their smokes, their meals, their
respectable clothes, their affectionate games with their children,
their prospects of larger profits or higher salaries, their
Saturday half holidays and Sunday walks, and the rest of it. They
did less than two hours work a day and took from seven to nine
office hours to do it in. And they were no good for any mortal
purpose except to go on doing it. They were respectable only by the
standard they themselves had set. Considered seriously as electors
governing an empire through their votes, and choosing and
maintaining its religious and moral institutions by their powers of
social persecution, they were a black-coated army of calamity. They
were incapable of comprehending the industries they were engaged
in, the laws under which they lived, or the relation of their
country to other countries. They lived the lives of old men
contentedly. They were timidly conservative at the age at which
every healthy human being ought to be obstreperously revolutionary.
And their wives went through the routine of the kitchen, nursery,
and drawing-room just as they went through the routine of the
office. They had all, as they called it, settled down, like
balloons that had lost their lifting margin of gas; and it was
evident that the process of settling down would go on until they
settled into their graves. They read old-fashioned newspapers with
effort, and were just taking with avidity to a new sort of paper,
costing a halfpenny, which they believed to be extraordinarily
bright and attractive, and which never really succeeded until it
became extremely dull, discarding all serious news and replacing it
by vapid tittle-tattle, and substituting for political articles
informed by at least some pretence of knowledge of economics,
history, and constitutional law, such paltry follies and
sentimentalities, snobberies and partisaneries, as ignorance can
understand and irresponsibility relish.
What they called patriotism was a conviction that because they
were born in Tooting or Camberwell, they were the natural superiors
of Beethoven, of Rodin, of Ibsen, of Tolstoy and all other
benighted foreigners. Those of them who did not think it wrong to
go to the theatre liked above everything a play in which the hero
was called Dick; was continually fingering a briar pipe; and, after
being overwhelmed with admiration and affection through three acts,
was finally rewarded with the legal possession of a pretty
heroine's person on the strength of a staggering lack of virtue.
Indeed their only conception of the meaning of the word virtue was
abstention from stealing other men's wives or from refusing to
marry their daughters.
As to law, religion, ethics, and constitutional government, any
counterfeit could impose on them. Any atheist could pass himself
off on them as a bishop, any anarchist as a judge, any despot as a
Whig, any sentimental socialist as a Tory, any philtre-monger or
witch-finder as a man of science, any phrase-maker as a statesman.
Those who did not believe the story of Jonah and the great fish
were all the readier to believe that metals can be transmuted and
all diseases cured by radium, and that men can live for two hundred
years by drinking sour milk. Even these credulities involved too
severe an intellectual effort for many of them: it was easier to
grin and believe nothing. They maintained their respect for
themselves by "playing the game" (that is, doing what everybody
else did), and by being good judges of hats, ties, dogs, pipes,
cricket, gardens, flowers, and the like. They were capable of
discussing each other's solvency and respectability with some
shrewdness, and could carry out quite complicated systems of paying
visits and "knowing" one another. They felt a little vulgar when
they spent a day at Margate, and quite distinguished and travelled
when they spent it at Boulogne. They were, except as to their
clothes, "not particular": that is, they could put up with ugly
sights and sounds, unhealthy smells, and inconvenient houses, with
inhuman apathy and callousness. They had, as to adults, a theory
that human nature is so poor that it is useless to try to make the
world any better, whilst as to children they believed that if they
were only sufficiently lectured and whipped, they could be brought
to a state of moral perfection such as no fanatic has ever ascribed
to his deity. Though they were not intentionally malicious, they
practised the most appalling cruelties from mere thoughtlessness,
thinking nothing of imprisoning men and women for periods up to
twenty years for breaking into their houses; of treating their
children as wild beasts to be tamed by a system of blows and
imprisonment which they called education; and of keeping pianos in
their houses, not for musical purposes, but to torment their
daughters with a senseless stupidity that would have revolted an
inquisitor.
In short, dear reader, they were very like you and me. I could
fill a hundred pages with the tale of our imbecilities and still
leave much untold; but what I have set down here haphazard is
enough to condemn the system that produced us. The corner stone of
that system was the family and the institution of marriage as we
have it to-day in England.