Myra Babbitt-Mrs. George F. Babbitt-was
definitely mature. She had creases from the corners of her mouth to
the bottom of her chin, and her plump neck bagged. But the thing
that marked her as having passed the line was that she no longer
had reticences before her husband, and no longer worried about not
having reticences. She was in a petticoat now, and corsets which
bulged, and unaware of being seen in bulgy corsets. She had become
so dully habituated to married life that in her full matronliness
she was as sexless as an anemic nun. She was a good woman, a kind
woman, a diligent woman, but no one, save perhaps Tinka her
ten-year-old, was at all interested in her or entirely aware that
she was alive.
After a rather thorough discussion of all the domestic and
social aspects of towels she apologized to Babbitt for his having
an alcoholic headache; and he recovered enough to endure the search
for a B.V.D. undershirt which had, he pointed out, malevolently
been concealed among his clean pajamas.
He was fairly amiable in the conference on the brown suit.
"What do you think, Myra?" He pawed at the clothes hunched
on a chair in their bedroom, while she moved about mysteriously
adjusting and patting her petticoat and, to his jaundiced eye,
never seeming to get on with her dressing. "How about it? Shall I
wear the brown suit another day?"
"Well, it looks awfully nice on you."
"I know, but gosh, it needs pressing."
"That's so. Perhaps it does."
"It certainly could stand being pressed, all right."
"Yes, perhaps it wouldn't hurt it to be pressed."
"But gee, the coat doesn't need pressing. No sense in
having the whole darn suit pressed, when the coat doesn't need it."
"That's so."
"But the pants certainly need it, all right. Look at
them-look at those wrinkles-the pants certainly do need pressing."
"That's so. Oh, Georgie, why couldn't you wear the brown
coat with the blue trousers we were wondering what we'd do with
them?"
"Good Lord! Did you ever in all my life know me to wear the
coat of one suit and the pants of another? What do you think I am?
A busted bookkeeper?"
"Well, why don't you put on the dark gray suit to-day, and
stop in at the tailor and leave the brown trousers?"
"Well, they certainly need-Now where the devil is that gray
suit? Oh, yes, here we are."
He was able to get through the other crises of dressing
with comparative resoluteness and calm.
His first adornment was the sleeveless dimity B.V.D.
undershirt, in which he resembled a small boy humorlessly wearing a
cheesecloth tabard at a civic pageant. He never put on B.V.D.'s
without thanking the God of Progress that he didn't wear tight,
long, old-fashioned undergarments, like his father-in-law and
partner, Henry Thompson. His second embellishment was combing and
slicking back his hair. It gave him a tremendous forehead, arching
up two inches beyond the former hair-line. But most wonder-working
of all was the donning of his spectacles.
There is character in spectacles-the pretentious
tortoiseshell, the meek pince-nez of the school teacher, the
twisted silver-framed glasses of the old villager. Babbitt's
spectacles had huge, circular, frameless lenses of the very best
glass; the ear-pieces were thin bars of gold. In them he was the
modern business man; one who gave orders to clerks and drove a car
and played occasional golf and was scholarly in regard to
Salesmanship. His head suddenly appeared not babyish but weighty,
and you noted his heavy, blunt nose, his straight mouth and thick,
long upper lip, his chin overfleshy but strong; with respect you
beheld him put on the rest of his uniform as a Solid Citizen.
The gray suit was well cut, well made, and completely
undistinguished. It was a standard suit. White piping on the V of
the vest added a flavor of law and learning. His shoes were black
laced boots, good boots, honest boots, standard boots,
extraordinarily uninteresting boots. The only frivolity was in his
purple knitted scarf. With considerable comment on the matter to
Mrs. Babbitt (who, acrobatically fastening the back of her blouse
to her skirt with a safety-pin, did not hear a word he said), he
chose between the purple scarf and a tapestry effect with
stringless brown harps among blown palms, and into it he thrust a
snake-head pin with opal eyes.
A sensational event was changing from the brown suit to the
gray the contents of his pockets. He was earnest about these
objects. They were of eternal importance, like baseball or the
Republican Party. They included a fountain pen and a silver pencil
(always lacking a supply of new leads) which belonged in the
righthand upper vest pocket. Without them he would have felt naked.
On his watch-chain were a gold penknife, silver cigar-cutter, seven
keys (the use of two of which he had forgotten), and incidentally a
good watch. Depending from the chain was a large, yellowish
elk's-tooth-proclamation of his membership in the Brotherly and
Protective Order of Elks. Most significant of all was his
loose-leaf pocket note-book, that modern and efficient note-book
which contained the addresses of people whom he had forgotten,
prudent memoranda of postal money-orders which had reached their
destinations months ago, stamps which had lost their mucilage,
clippings of verses by T. Cholmondeley Frink and of the newspaper
editorials from which Babbitt got his opinions and his
polysyllables, notes to be sure and do things which he did not
intend to do, and one curious inscription-D.S.S.D.M.Y.P.D.F.
But he had no cigarette-case. No one had ever happened to
give him one, so he hadn't the habit, and people who carried
cigarette-cases he regarded as effeminate.
Last, he stuck in his lapel the Boosters' Club button. With
the conciseness of great art the button displayed two words:
"Boosters-Pep!" It made Babbitt feel loyal and important. It
associated him with Good Fellows, with men who were nice and human,
and important in business circles. It was his V.C., his Legion of
Honor ribbon, his Phi Beta Kappa key.
With the subtleties of dressing ran other complex worries.
"I feel kind of punk this morning," he said. "I think I had too
much dinner last evening. You oughtn't to serve those heavy banana
fritters."
"But you asked me to have some."
"I know, but- I tell you, when a fellow gets past forty he
has to look after his digestion. There's a lot of fellows that
don't take proper care of themselves. I tell you at forty a man's a
fool or his doctor-I mean, his own doctor. Folks don't give enough
attention to this matter of dieting. Now I think- Course a man
ought to have a good meal after the day's work, but it would be a
good thing for both of us if we took lighter lunches."
"But Georgie, here at home I always do have a light lunch."
"Mean to imply I make a hog of myself, eating down-town?
Yes, sure! You'd have a swell time if you had to eat the truck that
new steward hands out to us at the Athletic Club! But I certainly
do feel out of sorts, this morning. Funny, got a pain down here on
the left side-but no, that wouldn't be appendicitis, would it? Last
night, when I was driving over to Verg Gunch's, I felt a pain in my
stomach, too. Right here it was-kind of a sharp shooting pain. I-
Where'd that dime go to? Why don't you serve more prunes at
breakfast? Of course I eat an apple every evening-an apple a day
keeps the doctor away-but still, you ought to have more prunes, and
not all these fancy doodads."
"The last time I had prunes you didn't eat them."
"Well, I didn't feel like eating 'em, I suppose. Matter of
fact, I think I did eat some of 'em. Anyway-I tell you it's mighty
important to-I was saying to Verg Gunch, just last evening, most
people don't take sufficient care of their diges-"
"Shall we have the Gunches for our dinner, next week?"
"Why sure; you bet."
"Now see here, George: I want you to put on your nice
dinner-jacket that evening."
"Rats! The rest of 'em won't want to dress."
"Of course they will. You remember when you didn't dress
for the Littlefields' supper-party, and all the rest did, and how
embarrassed you were."
"Embarrassed, hell! I wasn't embarrassed. Everybody knows I
can put on as expensive a Tux. as anybody else, and I should worry
if I don't happen to have it on sometimes. All a darn nuisance,
anyway. All right for a woman, that stays around the house all the
time, but when a fellow's worked like the dickens all day, he
doesn't want to go and hustle his head off getting into the
soup-and-fish for a lot of folks that he's seen in just reg'lar
ordinary clothes that same day."
"You know you enjoy being seen in one. The other evening
you admitted you were glad I'd insisted on your dressing. You said
you felt a lot better for it. And oh, Georgie, I do wish you
wouldn't say 'Tux.' It's 'dinner-jacket.'"
"Rats, what's the odds?"
"Well, it's what all the nice folks say. Suppose Lucile
McKelvey heard you calling it a 'Tux.'"
"Well, that's all right now! Lucile McKelvey can't pull
anything on me! Her folks are common as mud, even if her husband
and her dad are millionaires! I suppose you're trying to rub in
your exalted social position! Well, let me tell you that
your revered paternal ancestor, Henry T., doesn't even call it a
'Tux.'! He calls it a 'bobtail jacket for a ringtail monkey,' and
you couldn't get him into one unless you chloroformed him!"
"Now don't be horrid, George."
"Well, I don't want to be horrid, but Lord! you're getting
as fussy as Verona. Ever since she got out of college she's been
too rambunctious to live with-doesn't know what she wants-well, I
know what she wants!-all she wants is to marry a millionaire, and
live in Europe, and hold some preacher's hand, and simultaneously
at the same time stay right here in Zenith and be some blooming
kind of a socialist agitator or boss charity-worker or some damn
thing! Lord, and Ted is just as bad! He wants to go to college, and
he doesn't want to go to college. Only one of the three that knows
her own mind is Tinka. Simply can't understand how I ever came to
have a pair of shillyshallying children like Rone and Ted. I may
not be any Rockefeller or James J. Shakespeare, but I certainly do
know my own mind, and I do keep right on plugging along in the
office and- Do you know the latest? Far as I can figure out, Ted's
new bee is he'd like to be a movie actor and-And here I've told him
a hundred times, if he'll go to college and law-school and make
good, I'll set him up in business and- Verona just exactly as bad.
Doesn't know what she wants. Well, well, come on! Aren't you ready
yet? The girl rang the bell three minutes ago."