The Mayor's parlor in the Town Hall of Little Pifflington.
Lord Augustus Highcastle, a distinguished member of the governing
class, in the uniform of a colonel, and very well preserved at
forty-five, is comfortably seated at a writing-table with his
heels on it, reading The Morning Post. The door faces him, a
little to his left, at the other side of the room. The window is
behind him. In the fireplace, a gas stove. On the table a bell
button and a telephone. Portraits of past Mayors, in robes and
gold chains, adorn the walls. An elderly clerk with a short white
beard and whiskers, and a very red nose, shuffles in.AUGUSTUS.
[hastily putting aside his paper and replacing his feet on the
floor]. Hullo! Who are you?
THE CLERK. The staff
[a slight impediment in his speech adds to the impression of
incompetence produced by his age and appearance]
.
AUGUSTUS. You the staff! What do you mean, man?
THE CLERK. What I say. There ain't anybody else.
AUGUSTUS. Tush! Where are the others?
THE CLERK. At the front.
AUGUSTUS. Quite right. Most proper. Why aren't you at the
front?
THE CLERK. Over age. Fifty-seven.
AUGUSTUS. But you can still do your bit. Many an older man is in
the G.R.'s, or volunteering for home defence.
THE CLERK. I have volunteered.
AUGUSTUS. Then why are you not in uniform?
THE CLERK. They said they wouldn't have me if I was given away
with a pound of tea. Told me to go home and not be an old silly.
[A sense of unbearable wrong, till now only smouldering in him,
bursts into flame.] Young Bill Knight, that I took with me,
got two and sevenpence. I got nothing. Is it justice? This country
is going to the dogs, if you ask me.
AUGUSTUS.
[rising indignantly]. I do not ask you, sir; and I will
not allow you to say such things in my presence. Our statesmen are
the greatest known to history. Our generals are invincible. Our
army is the admiration of the world.
[Furiously.] How dare you tell me that the country is
going to the dogs!
THE CLERK. Why did they give young Bill Knight two and
sevenpence, and not give me even my tram fare? Do you call that
being great statesmen? As good as robbing me, I call it.
AUGUSTUS. That's enough. Leave the room.
[He sits down and takes up his pen, settling himself to work.
The clerk shuffles to the door. Augustus adds, with cold
politeness]
Send me the Secretary.
THE CLERK. I'm the Secretary. I can't leave the room and send
myself to you at the same time, can I?
AUGUSTUS, Don't be insolent. Where is the gentleman I have been
corresponding with: Mr Horatio Floyd Beamish?
THE CLERK.
[returning and bowing]. Here. Me.
AUGUSTUS. You! Ridiculous. What right have you to call yourself
by a pretentious name of that sort?
THE CLERK. You may drop the Horatio Floyd. Beamish is good
enough for me.
AUGUSTUS. Is there nobody else to take my instructions?
THE CLERK. It's me or nobody. And for two pins I'd chuck it.
Don't you drive me too far. Old uns like me is up in the world
now.
AUGUSTUS. If we were not at war, I should discharge you on the
spot for disrespectful behavior. But England is in danger; and I
cannot think of my personal dignity at such a moment.
[Shouting at him.] Don't you think of yours, either, worm
that you are; or I'll have you arrested under the Defence of the
Realm Act, double quick.
THE CLERK. What do I care about the realm? They done me out of
two and seven-
AUGUSTUS. Oh, damn your two and seven! Did you receive my
letters?
THE CLERK. Yes.
AUGUSTUS. I addressed a meeting here last night-went straight to
the platform from the train. I wrote to you that I should expect
you to be present and report yourself. Why did you not do so?
THE CLERK. The police wouldn't let me on the platform.
AUGUSTUS. Did you tell them who you were?
THE CLERK. They knew who I was. That's why they wouldn't let me
up.
AUGUSTUS. This is too silly for anything. This town wants waking
up. I made the best recruiting speech I ever made in my life; and
not a man joined.
THE CLERK. What did you expect? You told them our gallant
fellows is falling at the rate of a thousand a day in the big push.
Dying for Little Pifflington, you says. Come and take their places,
you says. That ain't the way to recruit.
AUGUSTUS. But I expressly told them their widows would have
pensions.
THE CLERK. I heard you. Would have been all right if it had been
the widows you wanted to get round.
AUGUSTUS.
[rising angrily]. This town is inhabited by dastards. I
say it with a full sense of responsibility, DASTARDS! They call
themselves Englishmen; and they are afraid to fight.
THE CLERK. Afraid to fight! You should see them on a Saturday
night.
AUGUSTUS. Yes, they fight one another; but they won't fight the
Germans.
THE CLERK. They got grudges again one another: how can they have
grudges again the Huns that they never saw? They've no imagination:
that's what it is. Bring the Huns here; and they'll quarrel with
them fast enough.
AUGUSTUS.
[returning to his seat with a grunt of disgust]. Mf!
They'll have them here if they're not careful.
[Seated.] Have you carried out my orders about the war
saving?
THE CLERK. Yes.
AUGUSTUS. The allowance of petrol has been reduced by three
quarters?
THE CLERK. It has.
AUGUSTUS. And you have told the motor-car people to come here
and arrange to start munition work now that their motor business is
stopped?
THE CLERK. It ain't stopped. They're busier than ever.
AUGUSTUS. Busy at what?
THE CLERK. Making small cars.
AUGUSTUS. New cars!
THE CLERK. The old cars only do twelve miles to the gallon.
Everybody has to have a car that will do thirty-five now.
AUGUSTUS. Can't they take the train?
THE CLERK. There ain't no trains now. They've tore up the rails
and sent them to the front.
AUGUSTUS. Psha!
THE CLERK. Well, we have to get about somehow.
AUGUSTUS. This is perfectly monstrous. Not in the least what I
intended.
THE CLERK. Hell-
AUGUSTUS. Sir!
THE CLERK.
[explaining]. Hell, they says, is paved with good
intentions.
AUGUSTUS.
[springing to his feet]. Do you mean to insinuate that
hell is paved with my good intentions-with the good intentions of
His Majesty's Government?
THE CLERK. I don't mean to insinuate anything until the Defence
of the Realm Act is repealed. It ain't safe.
AUGUSTUS. They told me that this town had set an example to all
England in the matter of economy. I came down here to promise the
Mayor a knighthood for his exertions.
THE CLERK. The Mayor! Where do I come in?
AUGUSTUS. You don't come in. You go out. This is a fool of a
place. I'm greatly disappointed. Deeply disappointed.
[Flinging himself back into his chair.] Disgusted.
THE CLERK. What more can we do? We've shut up everything. The
picture gallery is shut. The museum is shut. The theatres and
picture shows is shut: I haven't seen a movie picture for six
months.
AUGUSTUS. Man, man: do you want to see picture shows when the
Hun is at the gate?
THE CLERK.
[mournfully]. I don't now, though it drove me melancholy
mad at first. I was on the point of taking a pennorth of rat
poison-
AUGUSTUS. Why didn't you?
THE CLERK. Because a friend advised me to take to drink instead.
That saved my life, though it makes me very poor company in the
mornings, as
[hiccuping] perhaps you've noticed.
AUGUSTUS. Well, upon my soul! You are not ashamed to stand there
and confess yourself a disgusting drunkard.
THE CLERK. Well, what of it? We're at war now; and everything's
changed. Besides, I should lose my job here if I stood drinking at
the bar. I'm a respectable man and must buy my drink and take it
home with me. And they won't serve me with less than a quart. If
you'd told me before the war that I could get through a quart of
whisky in a day, I shouldn't have believed you. That's the good of
war: it brings out powers in a man that he never suspected himself
capable of. You said so yourself in your speech last night.
AUGUSTUS. I did not know that I was talking to an imbecile. You
ought to be ashamed of yourself. There must be an end of this
drunken slacking. I'm going to establish a new order of things
here. I shall come down every morning before breakfast until things
are properly in train. Have a cup of coffee and two rolls for me
here every morning at half-past ten.
THE CLERK. You can't have no rolls. The only baker that baked
rolls was a Hun; and he's been interned.
AUGUSTUS. Quite right, too. And was there no Englishman to take
his place?
THE CLERK. There was. But he was caught spying; and they took
him up to London and shot him.
AUGUSTUS. Shot an Englishman!
THE CLERK. Well, it stands to reason if the Germans wanted to
spy they wouldn't employ a German that everybody would suspect,
don't it?
AUGUSTUS.
[rising again]. Do you mean to say, you scoundrel, that an
Englishman is capable of selling his country to the enemy for
gold?
THE CLERK. Not as a general thing I wouldn't say it; but there's
men here would sell their own mothers for two coppers if they got
the chance.
AUGUSTUS. Beamish, it's an ill bird that fouls its own nest.
THE CLERK. It wasn't me that let Little Pifflington get foul. I
don't belong to the governing classes. I only tell you why you
can't have no rolls.
AUGUSTUS.
[intensely irritated]. Can you tell me where I can find an
intelligent being to take my orders?
THE CLERK. One of the street sweepers used to teach in the
school until it was shut up for the sake of economy. Will he
do?
AUGUSTUS. What! You mean to tell me that when the lives of the
gallant fellows in our trenches, and the fate of the British
Empire, depend on our keeping up the supply of shells, you are
wasting money on sweeping the streets?
THE CLERK. We have to. We dropped it for a while; but the infant
death rate went up something frightful.
AUGUSTUS. What matters the death rate of Little Pifflington in a
moment like this? Think of our gallant soldiers, not of your
squalling infants.
THE CLERK. If you want soldiers you must have children. You
can't buy em in boxes, like toy soldiers.
AUGUSTUS. Beamish, the long and the short of it is, you are no
patriot. Go downstairs to your office; and have that gas stove
taken away and replaced by an ordinary grate. The Board of Trade
has urged on me the necessity for economizing gas.
THE CLERK. Our orders from the Minister of Munitions is to use
gas instead of coal, because it saves material. Which is it to
be?
AUGUSTUS.
[bawling furiously at him]. Both! Don't criticize your
orders: obey them. Yours not to reason why: yours but to do and
die. That's war.
[Cooling down.] Have you anything else to say?
THE CLERK. Yes: I want a
rise.
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